jean_robert

It really is. Everything in my life is going well right now. I'm working a full time job, I'm teaching young kids science on the side, I've had some big auditions recently (and I have some more coming up), my roommates are working out well, everything is in place.

That is, however, except in one place. Romantically. I haven't been in a good place romantically in about 3 years or so. Each relationship I have been in, I have been left for another guy. I've been let down so much lately, in one recent case especially, because I'm realizing that even though we click really well and are great for each other, due to schedules and moving around the country, we can't happen.

Though it is just one aspect of my life, it is effecting me the most. I find myself hungry, but not wanting anything to eat. I get lost in thought, but it's all sad thoughts. I'm drinking more often (which really scares me). How can everything else be going so well, but yet this one part takes precedence and trumps them all?

I know that everything happens for a reason, it has been proven to me time and time again. The only problem is, because I know that, I have to sit back and wait to see what that reason is. It could happen in a week, a month, or even a year. It can be funny to look back and see those situations and what the reasons were, but not right now. I want to know what the reason is, who I am supposed to be with, and when it will finally happen. I've even found myself wanting to go to a bar and end up in a one night stand, one thing I swore I would never be a part of.

I'm not in a depression to where I fear for what I may do, or what may happen to me. But, I'm just tired of being sad.

Long, long time since I've posted.

Well, anymore, there aren't a whole lot of things that happen that really make me want to sit down and write about them. But, i've been in a slump since last Thursday night, so, I need to get some of this out.

Last week, my friend Kaitlin Chin came down from Milwaukee for a modeling gig/auditions and stuff. Over the course of the week, Kaitlin and I got pretty close. I ended up asking her out on a date for later that week.

We went out, and everything went really well. So well, that I had no problem asking her out on another date. Here's where my nervous feelings came true. She told me that she would want to go out again, but as friends. You see, things in her modeling career are really taking off right now. In fact, she's not even sure where she'll be next week. She could be moving down here to Chicago, or, she could be heading to Florida for a shoot. So, she really doesn't have the mental space right now for a relationship. Her career needs to come first.

I agreed with her. I really do want her to be successful with modeling. But, of course I really want to be with her. And I know it's weird, since we've only known each other for 2 months, but our connection was so strong over this past week.

I'm used to rejection. I mean, c'mon, I grew up a nerd. But this isn't rejection. This is "there is something there, we just can't have it right now". She said that if things clear up soon, then she would want to give us a shot, but I have no idea if that will happen.

So, right now, I'm left with this empty feeling inside. I hate constantly having life dangle things in front of me, and then yank them away. I've always been good at staying optimistc, and I belive that everything happens for a reason, but right now I'm finding it hard to do any of that. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

It's so dumb that i'm mad at this, but I am. My roommate is reading the twilight series, and she has been telling me about some of the stuff in the stories. Apparently, Vampires are allowed out in sunlight. Yep, they can walk around in the daylight like you and me. Also, Werewolves don't just turn on a full moon, they turn whenever they get mad, ala the incredible hulk. And, I guess their sole purpose in life is to protect humans from vampires.

I know that it is really dumb for me to be mad at this, but I think it is freakin stupid for the author of these books to totaly change the rules of mythical creatures that have been "around" for years. It's giving them a less dangerous spin, and making them almost kid-like. Werewolves aren't meant to protect, it's a friggin curse that you have to try to learn to control, but constantly fail. It was a struggle, and that struggle was cool. Vampires are supposed to be creatures of the night. If they can be around in daylight, they are pretty much just humans who have to drink blood.

Part of what made these creatures so cool was the fact that they were dangerous. They existed at night, and we know that is much cooler than daytime. The night has an air of excitement and danger.

Grr. I should be able to let this stuff go, but I can't. Grrness.

I'm actually sick of talking about what is making me sad right now, so I'm just going to vent:

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yeah

Well, karaoke was kind of a bust last night. The place was packed alot more than usual, so we ended up just leaving about 2 hours in.
What made matters worse was that I found out that that girl I wrote about last time, over the course of one night, is now dating a good friend of mine. Lol. This is the third time in a row this has happened to me.

Anthony and I talked about it outside of the bar. He felt bad because he knew I liked her, and this all came about so suddenly. I told him that I was upset, but that something he needed to know about me is that I usually put my friends before myself. I would be happy if they were both happy. But, I told him to give me till at least the weekend was over so that I could get over it. But what happens when we all go to a different bar? I'm sitting at a separate table, since we couldn't find one big enough for all of us, and they were all over each other. It actually made me physically ill. I almost passed out. It was the craziest thing. So, Dustin and I ended up leaving before something bad happened to me.

The only redeeming quality of the night was that, for some reason, between the karaoke bar and the other bar, I slipped into a irish accent and got stuck there for the rest of the night. It made the second bar very entertaining, because it was an Irish Pub. The people who worked there thought I was from Ireland. It made me happy because it means that my accent is coming along well.

I'm going to be honest. For the last few days, I have been pretty depressed. Actually, it's been probably a few weeks now. I have never been actually depressed in my life before. I've been sad, i've been blue, i've been upset, i've been a lot of things. But, I had never been depressed before. It's a feeling that I absolutely hate. It was a feeling of helplessness and deep sadness that was eating at my soul.

Now, what could possibly make me feel that kind of feeling? What else? Women.

As most people who actually know me know, I am a person who is driven by his heart. I have always loved love and have done my best to be optimistic. But when I took some time to look back at the last 3 years or so of my life, when it comes to relationships, there was nothing I could feel but depressed. In that 3 year period, I went from almost engaged, to single for a long time, to being dumped for a good friend of mine, to failing to even get a single date for over half a year. Seeing me fail time and time again to get a date was the final nail in the coffin.

I've been doing a good job of hiding it from my friends, so everything seemed to be fine with me. But for some reason, it all started to come out last night while we were at a club. Probably because I spend so much time with this girl that I have rediculously strong feelings for, and there doesn't seem to be any chance for me with her. In fact, it looks like she may hook up with a buddy of mine.........

But anyways, I'm feeling a little better today, since I just got back from the Bristol Rennaisance audtions. I did a damn good job, so I might just have a paying actor/combatant job for the summer.

Tonight is karaoke night. If this doesn't make me feel better, nothing will.

It's interesting how people can actually change over time.

Earlier this month, I worked an event at the Waterhouse. One of my co-workers is someone I went to high school with, and lets just say, he was kind of an asshole to me all throughout junior high and high school.

Anyways, we were sent down to the ice machine in the basement to fill up the ice buckets and somehow the conversation turned to his attitude. He commented on how he was usually a pain in the ass to deal with. He said he was at his worst during high school. He commented on how he was trying to grow up a bit, and then he said "if I ever gave you crap during school man, I'm sorry."

He was one of the main people who gave me shit during school, and he was also the last person in the world I would have expected to apologize for it. It's just really cool to know that people can actually grow up from their stupid high school selves, and actually become decent people. It shows that there is still hope for humanity. Yay humanity!

Man, this weekend was all over the place.

Last night, me and some of my friends, well some that I knew and some new ones they brought along, all went to a karaoke bar. I had never been before, so I was really looking forward to it. We had a fuckin blast! Our songs spread the gamit from "It's Not Unusual" to "Never Gonna Give You Up" to "Love Shack". By the end of the night, the entire bar knew our names. lol.

I didn't end up getting home until 3, but it was great. I was a little upset that Kristin didn't show up, I wanted to ask her on a date. But oh well, next time. There will be a next time too, we decided that this has to be at least an every other week thing, if not every week. The bar was this little place that combined the feeling of a dive with a good atmosphere and friendly people. A great place to do karaoke.

On the lower side of the weekend, I had to give up my new kitten, Jazz. I really loved him, but he was just too much for me. He would chew on every cord he could find in the house. He tore down the curtains, twice. And, my legs are very scratched up from his playing. Plus, I think my roommate was allergic to him. So, all these factors considered, I had to give him up. I knew that everytime he made me angry with his bad behavior that I wanted to give him up, but then when the time came to do it, all I could think about was leaving him at that shelter. At that time, I couldn't remember the bad parts, I just wanted him to be my buddy again. He was a loveable guy, I just couldn't give him the constant attention that he needed. I'll get a cat again someday, soon hopefully, but this time I'll get one a little older, that way, it'll already be through the rediculous amounts of energy that I can't help with.

So, all in all, not a bad weekend. I hope next will be as fun, for after that weekend, comes Genesis, Live, and Collective Soul!

Took this from Emily:

It's pretty darn accurate, though I am kinda depressed that actor was so far down on the list.

If you wanna do the quiz, here's the simple rules:

1. Go to http://www.careercruising.com/.
2. Put in Username: nycareers, Password: landmark.
3. Take their "Career Matchmaker" questions.
4. Post the top 10 results. (Or however many results you want).

1.Special Effects Technician

2.Costume Designer

3.Set Designer

4.Musician

5.Composer

6.Actor

7.Comedian

8.Magician

9.Makeup Artist

10.Dancer

I learned something about myself last night. Bill insisted that I go to a strip club, since I had never been to one before. He kept putting dollars down so I that I could keep gettting dances, and he almost shelled out the money to get me a private dance. I gave him a stern look telling him no.

I felt uncomfortable about going there in the first place. I don't know. There was just something about a strip club that didnt' appeal to me. Then, after we went, those thoughts were reinforced. I did not feel comfortable there. I'm just not a strip club kinda guy. I mean, of course I am a guy, and I enjoy seeing women naked, but not like that. I am posting this on my livejournal since pretty much no one reads it, and because if I posted it on myspace, I would have a flood of guys calling me a pussy. But, there was just something about the whole strip club thing that just seems disrespectful towards women.

So I know that he is going to try to get me to go back. And I know that other guys from ICC want me to go. The only way that I will go again is if I feel 100% comfortable about it, and someone else pays for everything. lol.